Jade Roper Tolbert is getting candid about why she isn’t the biggest fan of the term “rainbow baby” — but she is starting to understand a deeper meaning behind it.
In an impassioned Instagram post on Thursday featuring a snapshot of herself with 19-month-old daughter Emerson “Emmy” Avery, who’s pointing at a rainbow in the distance, the pregnant Bachelor in Paradise alum explained that she felt “so angry inside” every time she thought about assigning that term to her daughter.
“Something I’ve struggled with (that I know many women and men have found solace in) is I’ve always disliked the term ‘rainbow baby,’ and I think it’s because I didn’t want to even turn and face my storm,” wrote Jade, 32, in her post. “Why would I want to attach something so traumatic to someone completely pure and perfect? I didn’t want that label on [Emmy] when I felt she deserved her own individuality, her own presence, her own mark in this world.”
The second-time mom-to-be previously opened up about her past miscarriage, revealing in a personal Instagram post in late February that she and now-husband Tanner Tolbert conceived during their season 2 stint on BiP but ultimately lost the baby.
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In her Thursday post, Roper Tolbert went on to recall a moment during the family’s recent Hawaiian vacation that made her think about the term again in a different light as she, Tanner and their daughter observed a stunning “full rainbow” in the distance.
“I witnessed a rainbow through a storm for the first time since I’ve had Emerson,” she shared. “We were out on the deck of our resort eating dinner, when a full rainbow peered through the clouds. I was holding Emerson, and for the first time my heart softened and understood. That something so beautiful can forge its way after something so scary and dark is a miracle in itself.”
“I don’t know if I’ll ever actually call Emmy our rainbow baby … but now every time I see a rainbow, I will smile a little knowing that maybe it’s our sweet baby, reminding us he/she is still with us shining bits of hope into the dim parts of my heart that are still healing.”
Jade and Tanner, 31, announced in January that they will be welcoming their second child, revealing in March that their little one on the way is a boy.
The former reality star also shared in her post on Thursday that the “healing” she has found since sharing her and Tanner’s miscarriage story has been “really profound.”
“By just speaking those words out loud to someone else other than Tanner and myself,” she explained. “I carried the pain, the shame, the guilt, the sorrow so deep inside me for so long, I didn’t even realize it was such a part of me until I became pregnant with our baby boy. “
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