Are you intrigued by the idea of being better at oral sex? Welcome to your future! There is nothing sexier than a man who is down to clown in Vulva Town.
With so much stigma around oral sex for vulvas not being “a manly act” (which is B.S., by the way), it’s good to see people shaking off the gender bias and coming to know and love the power of oral sex. Oral sex is consistently shown to be the most reliable way to get a vulva-owning person to have an orgasm. Research has shown the vast majority of people with a vulva need external clitoral stimulation to have an orgasm—i.e., pumping away during penetration isn’t going to cut it.
Oral sex is something that makes people not just good at sex, but GREAT at sex. So, without further ado, we introduce to you a challenge: 4 weeks of dedicated practice to become better at oral sex. You’ll fine-tune your skills so that you can be the Ultimate Lover.
Over the next four weeks, you’ll learn:
As with our recent 4-week challenge for lasting longer in bed, we want to make clear that our use of the word “challenge” is not meant to be about some macho pursuit. (We used the “Ultimate Lover” phrase in jest!) This is as much about learning oral sex tips as it is about considering how each and every vulva is unique and enjoys different things. It’s about being willing to learn, adapt, and grow your skill set, whether you’re orally pleasing the same vulva or lots of vulvas. All of these exercises are customizable, and should be used with a flexible mindset.
Lastly, know that not every person with a vulva is into oral sex, and that is okay. If someone isn’t interested in you going down on them, that is their decision to make. Be respectful of everyone and consider alternative ways to give your partner pleasure. There is no shortage of things to try in bed.
Alright. Let’s do this.
Exercise 1: Put on your research cap.
Like any great explorer, you have to begin with research. Luckily, there are plenty of amazing resources out there to help you improve your sex game. The more you can absorb, the more you have to work with. There are about 1,000,000 ways to lick and touch a vulva. You aren’t expected to become an Encyclopedia de Vagina, but having a basic knowledge is always great.
How to do it: The goal here is to learn skills…and to find the clitoris. We’d recommend checking out OMGYes, Climax, Kenneth Play’s Sex Hacker Pro Series, and Beducated for some truly premium videos.
You can also read this, this, and this. “Sex education should be a life-long learning experience, so I try to take every opportunity to learn more about how our bodies and our privates work,” says Courtney Kocak, co-founder & co-host of Private Parts Unknown. Listen to her podcast for even more fun learning.
Exercise 2: Practice active listening. Invite your partner to share their desires for a good sexual experience.
Active listening means really listening, not just waiting for your chance to talk. Invite your partner to share what they enjoy during sex. Be willing to share the same. These conversations are definitely not a one-time thing, but inviting your partner to be open about what they like, want, and are curious about starts a dialogue of sexual openness that all couples can benefit from.
How to do it: Have a conversation outside of the bedroom. Having conversations about sex during sex can be intimidating. “Let your partner know that you care about their pleasure or satisfaction. But, recognize that it’s hard to talk about this for most people,” says Kenneth Play, international educator and sex hacker, and creator of the Sex Hacker Pro course. “Make sure that your partner doesn’t feel pressured to perform or function in a specific way, [as] this often creates a counterintuitive effect where they will be less likely to relax, and thus less likely to enjoy the experience or come.”
Exercise 3: Buy a suction toy together (or on your own).
Buying a toy together can be a fun and unique way to connect sexually, outside of the bedroom. It helps you build up trust and a sense of open communication with your lover. There is a ton of stigma around sex toys and a prevailing narrative that they will “replace” you. This is nonsense. Sex toys are your allies, not your enemies.
Suction toys are designed to simulate oral sex through air and suction. They are a fantastic way to explore the feeling of oral sex, if your partner is a bit apprehensive, or to see how your partner responds to the different pressures and settings as a means of getting better acquainted with their preferences.
How to do it: Make it a fun adventure for you to have together. Check out the Lelo Sila, the suction toys over at Satisfyer, or this Rose sucker that recently took TikTok by storm.
Exercise 4: Create an environment with your partner that invites sexual energy.
Now that you’re on your way to being better educated about oral sex and inviting your partner to actively engage with you, it’s time to focus on the environment. Being relaxed is a huge part of awakening sexual energy and being able to relax enough to enjoy oral sex.
How to do it: This is an opportunity to co-create. Light candles, play some relaxing music, or perhaps take a bath together to help calm down from the stress of the day and connect with one another. The more comfortable you both are, the easier it is to connect the mind and body: a key component of orgasm. Invest in this special time together. You deserve it.
Exercise 5: Practice active listening and communication: Ask your partner EXACTLY what they enjoy during oral sex.
This is the same as Week 1’s active listening exercise, only with a focus on oral sex. Finding out what your partner enjoys during oral sex is key to knowing what to do. Be open, ready to learn, and stay curious.
How to do it: It basically goes like this: Listen to what they say…and then do that thing. For many people with a vulva, there is a “go to” move that does the trick every time.
If they aren’t sure what they like, engage in a dialogue based on your research. You can also “try on the go”: actively engage in oral sex to find what works. “Maybe they like you to check in a lot [by asking] ‘how does that feel,’ or maybe they’re more comfortable sending you erotic stories or porn they find sexy,” says Sofiya Alexandra, co-founder & co-host of Private Parts Unknown. The focus should be exploration. Plenty of people will know what works and what doesn’t, but not all.
Exercise 6: Masturbate together (mutual masturbation).
Mutual masturbation is the ultimate way to see how your partner likes to be touched. Plus, you get to get off, too. It’s really f-ing hot to see your partner get themselves off. It’s like your own private porn show. Being an active participant can help take the pressure off your partner to perform, hence why you should masturbate along with them for this first masturbation exercise.
How to do it: Find a position that works for you. This can be lying side-by-side or with heads on either end of the bed for a better view. Pay attention to what you’re seeing. “If you notice that she always rubs her clit over the hood, you might figure out that her clit is super sensitive and she doesn’t like direct touch,” Play says. “Then you can replicate those things when you’re licking her [clit].”
If your partner is open to you stepping back and just watching them masturbate, go for it. “I think watching your partner masturbate is so sexy and intimate,” Kocak says. “They’re letting you participate in a vulnerable moment, watching solo sex is incredibly erotic, you’re building trust as a couple—there’s so much to love about it.”
Exercise 7: Find the most comfortable oral sex position.
“One of the biggest complaints about oral sex is when the guy licks somewhere else or stops right when it’s feeling good,” Play explains. “Comfort is key to maintaining pleasurable stimulation.” It’s not so much about being super creative all the time, but being as cozy as possible in order to relax.
How to do it: Experimentation and active listening, of course. The most comfortable position for most people is the Queen position, where a partner leans back against a sea of pillows with their legs spread. But they may have other ideas.
Finding “comfort” isn’t just for your partner, but for you as well. “One of my pro tips for comfort is that when your tongue gets tired, just stick your tongue out and move your head,” Play adds.
Exercise 8: Explore with fingers.
During the “Active Listening” exercises, we invite you to ask your partner if they enjoy penetration (with a toy or fingers) during oral sex and be willing to “add it in,” if they do.
“Fingering her and licking her clit at the same time is the bread and butter of most women’s sexual pleasure,” Play says. “They go so well together! From a sex nerd or sex geek perspective, you’re able to stimulate more nerves to send a stronger, more complex symphony of sensation to the brain.”
How to do it: First, be sure you’re using lube. If you’ve done your research, you’ll know where to find the G-spot (part of the vaginal-clitoris-urethral complex). “Start slow, with one finger; I recommend the thumb because it’s shorter than the index finger and gives you more control,” Alexandra says. “Make sure the rhythm of your penetration is in harmony with your mouth.” When in doubt, keep it slow and gentle. You can also use a G-spot toy (check out our favorites here).
Exercise 9: Try the suction toy (or toy of their preference) on your partner.
Now that you have a sex toy, it’s time to use it. I’d encourage you to give your partner some time to figure out how they like to use the toy by themselves during solo or mutual masturbation. A toy is a wonderful tool to have, but having time to decide how someone likes to use it helps to build a sense of comfort around the toy.
How to do it: Have your partner get into their most comfortable oral position. Set the toy to the lowest setting and place it over the clitoris. Ask your partner how they like it. If they want more, turn it up. Keep going until it’s just right (and make a mental note). Be sure to use lots of high quality lube or an arousal gel (this one is my personal favorite) along with the toy. (If they want to use a different toy, it might be easier to allow them to use it while you watch. This will help you learn for next time.)
This exercise can include penetration with the fingers, if your partner wants that. It can be easier for your partner to hold the toy while you handle the penetrative aspects, but again, this is all about communication and finding what works.
Exercise 10: Try the vacuum technique.
This technique is what the sucking toy tries to emulate. Why? Because it’s awesome.
How to do it: Start slow before engaging the clitoris. This should be a rule for all exercises. Going right for the clit can be too intense or even painful. “Pucker your lips to form a vacuum around her clit, after she’s properly warmed up and aroused, you can suck on it and lick with the tip of your tongue at the same time,” Play says. This can take practice. Like every oral technique, you’re not going to be a wunderkind the first time around.
Remember to communicate and be willing to give something else a try if this isn’t the jam.
Exercise 11: Try going “up and down” and then “side to side.”
The clitoris is fun, but it can be picky. Two simple techniques that work are moving the tongue up and down or side to side. If it sounds easy, that’s because it is. This stuff is not rocket science and should be fun.
How to do it: “Trace all the sensitive areas with your tongue—including the vulva and labia—while working your way to the clit. Don’t forget the inner thighs,” says Kocak. Then, go in for the clit. Listen to her sounds, words, and body as you experiment with different pressures and movements.
You can also try “circling” the clitoris both clockwise and/or counterclockwise. All clits are different, so be willing to change it up according to how each partner wants to be licked.
Exercise 12: Finding your groove: Stay with what your partner likes.
Keep trying different techniques with your tongue, lips, and toys until you know your partner’s vulva like the back of your hand.
When you’ve found the things that work and the things that don’t, consider your tool belt full. Sure, you may both want to swap out a tongue technique, position, or toy here and there, but consistency is key to good oral sex.
How to do it: Being creative is fun and sometimes experimenting can be a great thing, but Play says that learning what makes your partner tick and being consistent is the way into anyone’s heart (and bed). “Calibrate [your technique] to what she likes and stick with it,” Play says. “Don’t mix in a million different techniques and switch it up constantly. This might seem cool but really, it’s just frustrating. Find what she likes and keep doing it.”
Remember, the challenge is not really limited to four weeks. This practice should now be a part of your sexual life. It’s a way to consistently check in, make sure that what you’re doing is working, and to have a good time together. Enjoy!
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